Weddings - RUN!!!!

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago,. My good friends Kathy and Terry got married in St. Andrews, NB. They have been together about 17-18 years (I have lost count!), which means, although Kathy is the one that started out as my friend, I now consider them both my friends after that many years.

So much so, that last fall when we needed some repairs done to our gigantic garage, that we offered the job to Terry, even though he and Kathy live above 3.5 hours away. Terry lived with us for the few weeks it took to get the job done.

Part of the family, really.

So, I usually like to contrast how things in the city are soooooooo much different than in the country. However, I now realize there is one thing that is exactly the same whether in the city or the country.

And that would be WEDDINGS. 

It is my fate in life to be in awkward wedding situations that I have no idea how to get myself out of.

I went to a wedding in a barn in St Catherines, Ontario where I got to chatting with a local "farmer" who I eventually realized was a weed farmer who tried to sell me said product outside the north side of the barn where the wedding took place.

I went to a wedding in Waterloo, Ontario, where the one of the ushers, who was also my boyfriend at the time, confessed he had been making out with one of the bridesmaids the previous night. I got back at him, though, although I didn't realize it until the next day. Apparently the 12-year old boy (I was 24 at the time) who kept asking me to dance that night had his hand on my ass all night. People were appalled at that, although I didn't notice at the time, probably because I had drowned my sorrows in multiple glasses of red wine.

Speaking of 12-year olds, Kathy and Terry's wedding that I went to might have scarred me for life. I love Kathy and Terry to death, but they had me seated at the reception next to a couple about my age who have young  children. Missy wanted to tell me her whole life story since the last time I saw her 25 years ago. The part that scarred me was when she told me she has a 12-year old son, ... and he is underdeveloped compared to others his age. No trauma, yet, right? She went on to tell her son's friend has been sexually active since he was 10, and she is pretty sure he own son can't even get a hard on. 

Ears bleeding. Ears bleeding. Ears bleeding. Ears bleeding.

The next wedding I get invited to, I am going to send an AMAZING present and pretend to have the plague. 

Happy Endings

There is something very different about doing business in a small town than in the city. Last week I was in the big city of Fredericton (population 56,000) and I decided I should replace a pair of shoes that Danger and/or Daisy ate. 

I went into a shoe store with the sole intention (pun intended!) of finding black, flat, patent-leather shoes. The young lady working in the store asked if she could help me, and I asked for black, flat, patent-leather shoes. She said, "You are out of luck, we don't have any", and then wandered away.

I was somewhat disappointed, but I thought, "what the heck, I AM IN A SHOE STORE! We don't even have a shoe store in Perth! Woo-whoo!"

I wandered down the first aisle, and there was a pair of black, flat, patent-leather shoes. And then another. And another. And another, with a little splash of leopard print. So I pick up the snazzy black, flat, patent-leather shoes with the leopard print (40% off, no less!) and go to the cash register. And wait. And wait. And wait. 

I begin fantasizing  about walking out with the shoes to see if young lady even notices. I don't think she COULD notice, since she was no-where to be seen. I figured that surely before the police arrest me, I could make them look at the surveillance video that shoes I TRIED to pay! Then I imagined walking around to the cash register and madly pressing keys until an alarm went off or the cash draw popped open. I am not sure what I would do if it did pop open, but hey, this is a fantasy!

So, I ended up walking out. No shoes for me! *NOT* a shopping happy ending!

Now let's take a look at what shopping is like in Perth-Andover.

A few months ago, I went in to Patti's Gift Shop. It was a hot summer day, but I spied some tights that were only $5, regular price! A few days later, I realize maybe I should get a few more pairs of tights. I get on Facebook, write a note to Patti, but alas, there are no more tights! About a month later, a note comes into my Facebook account saying a new batch of tights are in. SERIOUSLY? I couldn't beg the shoe girl to take my money, and Patti remembers a month later I really wanted some tights. A P-A shopping happy ending!

This summer, Greg and I decide to go to Quebec to get some cheap beer. That's not illegal is it? If it is, can you please NOT tell the cops on me? (Thanks). Before heading down the highway, we stop by Kendall Nissen's store for a sub. He has great spices, nuts, organic food, and amazing cheeses. Anyway, Greg says, "Hey, you want some beer from Quebec"? Kendall says "Sure". Three hours later, we drop off some beer to Kendall, get the money.... Reselling beer isn't illegal is it? If it is, can you please NOT tell the cops on me? (Thanks). The best part is, as a thanks, he gave us some wonderful cheeses, smoked salmon and crackers. It's easy to be loyal to a shopkeeper like that. Another P-A shopping happy ending! 

Two weeks ago, I took my car to the shop to get new winter tires. I didn't know this until recently, but people around here put STUDS on their tires. They sounds like thousands of tiny metal horseshoes clip-clopping on the ground, and they keep a car from sliding all over an icy road. I am pretty sure they don't have THOSE in the city. At the end of my transaction, the lady working at the counter gave me a 2014 calendar with a car on the front. I open it up, and my innocent eyes could not BELIEVE what I saw! Inside the car calendar was a SECRET calendar. IT HAD NAKED MEN! 12 OF 'EM!!!! NAKED! I  will bet you that no garage in the city will give the lady customers free pornographic material. NOW THAT'S A SHOPPING HAPPY ENDING!!!! 

PS I hope there is a "Business of the Year" contest in P-A, I know who I am voting for!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

I have no idea what "winner winner chicken dinner" means, but it is really catchy and makes me smile when I hear it. So, why not make that the title of this blog entry?

I have never even won a chicken dinner. 

But I did win 3 things in my life, and I won all 3 of them at different stages of my life in P-A.

When I was in grade 2 at Andover Elementary School, it was safety week, and we were all tasked with drawing an illustration of what "safety at school" meant to us. I was 7 years old, but was astounded that I won $2 for my picture. $2 could buy 8 bags of chips, or 4 bags of chips and 4 bottles of pop. Wowsers! 

The reason I was astounded that I won the contest is because I can't draw, and what I did draw made no sense. I drew a stick-child under a bus. The contest judges must have figured it had some deep significant meaning. However, when I looked at it after I had won the contest, even I could not figure out whether I meant:
a) don't nap under buses, 
b) don't terrorize your bus driver to the point he wants to run over you, or
b) don't hurl yourself under a bus if you really, really hate school. It would probably traumatize the bus driver. 

The second thing I won was when I graduated from Southern Victoria High School. Right after graduation, we had "Safe Grad", and alcohol-free party at Loring Air Force Base in Maine. After a full night of dancing, bowling and going into the hot tub fully clothed, we returned to the school and prizes were given out. I won the girls bike, Darren McQuade (how do I remember this?!?!?) won the boys bike. As my picture for the local newspaper was being taken, I was quite worried that the flash on the camera was going to show that I did not have any under-roos on. After I went into the hot tub with my clothes on, I decided my under-roos were uncomfortable, so I took them off. Somehow during the night the wet clothes I was wearing dried out. Not sure why the 'roos did not. Anyway. I was 17. 

The third thing I won happened last Saturday night. I won our local Perth-Andover Firemen's Lottery. $6121!!!! That will buy 3,008 bags of chips or 1400 bags of chips and 1208 bottles of pop. Wowsers!

Puppy Love: Danger and Daisy

About 2 years ago, I wrote in a blog posting about finding a dog I called "Lucky" while on a metal detecting gig. Both Greg and I lived in apartments at the time, so we had to leave a scared and porcupine-quilled Lucky in an abandoned house until we could get the SPCA to rescue him the next day.

I couldn't get that dog out of my head, so about a week after we found him, I took a ride down to the SPCA, about an hour away, just to check to see if he was OK. He had gone through surgery and was in great shape - but he had got adopted the day before, so I didn't get to see him.

Jump ahead a few months. Greg and I had purchased a house (4 months after we met?!?!?!) and I was off to the hairdresser one Saturday to get my hair back to it's natural blond :-). But when I walked into the salon, there were little puppies in a box on the floor. By the end of my appointment, I had called Greg, and said, "There are 2 puppies here that have no home. I can bring home 0, 1, or 2. How many should I bring home?" He said "Bring 'em both!". I was so happy he said that, I actually had tears in my eyes! In the city, it was pretty much impossible to have pups, as I travelled so much, and worked such long hours, they would have been neglected.

In the year and a half that we have had Danger and Daisy, here is what they have taught me:

1) If you name a dog Danger, he will live up to his name. Eat a whole rubber glove in one gulp? Check! Crawl 10 feet into a snow/ice cave and not be able to get out? Check! Almost get done by another boy doggie? Check. (That happened today).
2) If you name a dog Daisy, she will be cute and cuddly, but perhaps lacking in the IQ department. Sorry, Daisy. Sad, but true.
3) If I love something enough, I will clean it's poop and barf. And I will not barf while doing it.
4) Although my only other pets were tiny little goldfish, which I left in the sunshine one day by mistake, I *am* able to keep another living thing alive besides myself. 
5) When I was in my 20's my brothers gave me a Tamagotchi for my birthday. It was a little hand-held digital pet. I was so impatient that I drowned it while I was peeling potatoes when it was about 3 days old. After that, I figured if I could not keep an electronic pet alive, there would be no way of keeping a real pet alive. I learned I am way more patient when real big brown eyes are staring at me, than when I have beady little electronic eyes staring at me.

6) I have maternal instincts. When a big, bad, dog chased my puppies around the yard trying to eat them, I chased the big bad dog around my yard with a table leg yelling obscenities that would make most people blush. People might have also blushed because what I was wearing really should not have been worn while running around the yard yelling obscenities! I hope no-one caught that on video.
7) A person can use all kinds of external things to relax at the end of a long work day: have a beer, watch TV, eat chocolate.... but the best way to relax is to have a little puppy or two lick your face over and over because they are just so happy to see you. (Unfortunately, my puppies are the types that just ate their own poop before enthusiastically licking me).  

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!

Hi.

I have been away for two years. I didn't write. I didn't call. Have you wondered where I was, and how I was doing? I didn't forget about you guys, I just got a bit....distracted.

See, I got abducted by aliens. I was in prison? All of my fingers got broken and it took them 2 years to heal so I could type again?

The truth is, I just got lazy, distracted and busy. And fell in love. 

So, where do I begin? I am still the "city girl that came home". I have officially been home in P-A for 3 years now. But there is still about 20 years of city in me, and I am still working on adapting to country livin'! (In case you have forgotten, "P-A" stands for Perth-Andover, New Brunswick. The little piece of Heaven somewhere east of Montreal).

When I lived in Toronto and Vancouver, I tried to arrange it so that every October I could come home to visit. I would fly into Fredericton, then drive the hour-and-a-half to P-A, all the while admiring the changing colors on the trees. Red, orange and yellow. During each of these trips, I would wind my way along the "old Trans Canada" (it has a way better view than the "new Trans Canada") thinking to myself "Why the heck do I live in the city when this exists"? Every fall I vowed that some day I would make my way back to where I grew up.

Yippee-do-da! Here I am!

When I lived in the city, I occasionally heard the John Denver song "Country Roads". Every single time I heard that song, I would sob like a baby. Embarrassing, really. Now that I live in the country, if I happen to hear John Denver's song, I just get all smug and pat myself on the back, and say "you go, girl!".

Just in case you are not familiar with John Denver's soulful song....here it is for your listening pleasure!

I mentioned something up above about falling in love. Here is a picture of Mr. Greg Wallace and Mrs. Donna Miller-Wallace. We got married on June 22, 2013, and this picture was taken last week-end near one of the trees in our backyard. 

That's where I have really been in the last 2 years: Donna and Greg, sitting 'in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

See you again soon!