Go Ahead, Make My Day

One of my favorite lines in a movie is when Clint squints his eyes as only Clint can do, and says "Go ahead, make my day". What a threat. And you know, deep inside your gut, that Clint will do just about anything, including shooting the bad guy dead. And Clint would have absolutely no regrets. In fact, he just might enjoy it.

Clint

As with most people, I have been in many situations where I have been (or felt), threatened, either openly or subtlety.

It all started for me when I used to go to my Grammie's house when I was little. My Mum made it quite clear the expected behaviour at Grammie's: do not ASK for anything, and do not take anything. Generally speaking, those are good rules to follow when visiting someone's home. However, like all little kids, listening to the rules and following the rules, somehow didn't quite connect.

I would sit at Grammie's and think...I want to ASK to go to the bathroom. But I'm not supposed to ASK for anything. But if I don't ASK to go to the bathroom, then I might pee my pants. Which would make Mum more upset, me ASKING to go to the bathroom, or me peeing my pants? I decided I had best not take any chances, so I did NOT ASK to go pee. I never set foot in Grammie's bathroom, EVER! I now have a bladder of steel, by the way. Do you know WHY I never asked to go to the bathroom? Because somehow, my Mum was like Clint: she could make a threat you just knew she would carry out if you did the wrong thing. There was no way I was gonna make my Mum's day!

My little brother Anthony and I really liked jumping on my parents' bed when we were little. We couldn't jump on our own beds, as they were bunk beds. That would mean you jump and either bonk your head on the top bunk or on the ceiling.

So, Mum and Dad's bed was the bed of choice for jumping. Dad was pretty particular about his bedtime routine. 10pm = bedtime. Anyone or anything getting in the way of bedtime was to be identified and destroyed. So picture Anthony and I jumping on Dad's bed at 10pm. Dad said "stop jumping on the bed". We did not stop jumping on the bed. Dad said nothing else. He merely unbuckled his belt. Now, a man unbuckles his belt when he takes off his pants. However, Anthony and I perceived this to be a threat. HALT! Then, RUN! Would have Dad hit us with his belt? Highly unlikely. However, Dad was Clint, before I knew who Clint was.

Skip ahead until I was about 20, and I somehow ended up in an unfortunate situation where a young lady threatened me with a cleaver, as she thought I had the hots for her boyfriend. When someone shows up at the door with a cleaver, the next words out of your mouth better be the right ones. Apparently I did all right, as she did not cleaver me to death. She didn't even chop off a pinky. But I'll tell you, THAT threat was worth losing sleep over!

As I grew older and matured, I realized there are very few threats worth anything more than a raised eyebrow, or maybe just a yawn.

Mum made a veiled threat to comply OR ELSE.....

Dad made a veiled threat to get the heck off the bed OR ELSE.....

Missy with the cleaver made a threat to get away from her man OR ELSE....

Besides Mums and Dads trying to keep their rampant children from destroying the world, most people who make threats are actually feeling powerless and fearful, or are trying to control a situation that just isn't going their way.

Just as an FYI, when push comes to shove, expect this blue-eyed blondie to crinkle her eyes like Clint, and utter quietly,

"Go ahead, make my day."

Happy, Happy, Happy

I like to summarize stuff. 

When people tell me long-winded stories, I like to summarize at the end of their x-minute-long diatribes by saying something wise like..."...so, you are unhappy, hunh?....", to which the typical response is another x-minute-long diatribe. I use the term "diatribe" because most people like to complain about things to me. It is a rare (actually, non-existent) occasion that someone comes in to my office, or in to my home, to expound on their great happiness. 

I think people are either very unhappy, or just like to complain. Or some combination of the two.

I, however, an an optimist. Even during the most dismal, trying life events, I try to look a the bright side. Not others....

The five things that people are MOST LIKELY TO BE UNHAPPY ABOUT, are their:
1) weight
2) spouse 
3) job
4) money situation
5) children's behaviors

I have a unique way of viewing the world on these hot-topics. I decided long ago that I could look at my life situation as a bowl of pits, or a bowl of cherries with a few itty-bitty pits in it. Spit out the pits, or swallow them whole and you never even know they were there!

Here are my views on the top 5 hot topics.

My Weight - OK, so I am not skinny. Even when I exercised myself near to death and starved myself near to death, skinny was not achievable. What's funny is that I have nice friends and lovely family regardless of what the scale says. When my pants get tight, I eat less. When my pants are loose, I eat more. Besides that, you mention my weight to me, I am likely poke you in the eye and walk away.

My Spouse - My spouse (NEW! since June 22. 2013!) is amazing. He is not perfect. I don't care. 

My Job - my job is amazingly weird. I have no words to explain how I feel about it. It is soooo---ooooo weird, it has to be a good thing, right? 

My Money Situation - The last time I made a salary of this itty-bitty-ness was in 1997 when I was a senior software engineer and 28 years old. HOWEVER!....I now live in an amazing location, with an amazing man, surrounded by family and friends. If I had all the money in the world, it could not buy what I have.

Children's Behaviours - Fortunately or unfortunately, I do not have children. I have puppies. They barf on me, eat their own poop and random Christmas ornaments, and cry in their sleep while they are dreaming of bigger, badder dogs chasing them. No way I could complain about them as they are the some of the cutest most adorable beings I have ever seen. 

If you are self-aware enough to realize when you begin to complain about your life, stop, take a breath, and then call or email me, and I will list off for you all of your blessings, so you are reminded of your cherries, not just your pits.

Happy New Year, Ladies & Gents. 

Emphasis on HAPPY!

Weddings - RUN!!!!

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago,. My good friends Kathy and Terry got married in St. Andrews, NB. They have been together about 17-18 years (I have lost count!), which means, although Kathy is the one that started out as my friend, I now consider them both my friends after that many years.

So much so, that last fall when we needed some repairs done to our gigantic garage, that we offered the job to Terry, even though he and Kathy live above 3.5 hours away. Terry lived with us for the few weeks it took to get the job done.

Part of the family, really.

So, I usually like to contrast how things in the city are soooooooo much different than in the country. However, I now realize there is one thing that is exactly the same whether in the city or the country.

And that would be WEDDINGS. 

It is my fate in life to be in awkward wedding situations that I have no idea how to get myself out of.

I went to a wedding in a barn in St Catherines, Ontario where I got to chatting with a local "farmer" who I eventually realized was a weed farmer who tried to sell me said product outside the north side of the barn where the wedding took place.

I went to a wedding in Waterloo, Ontario, where the one of the ushers, who was also my boyfriend at the time, confessed he had been making out with one of the bridesmaids the previous night. I got back at him, though, although I didn't realize it until the next day. Apparently the 12-year old boy (I was 24 at the time) who kept asking me to dance that night had his hand on my ass all night. People were appalled at that, although I didn't notice at the time, probably because I had drowned my sorrows in multiple glasses of red wine.

Speaking of 12-year olds, Kathy and Terry's wedding that I went to might have scarred me for life. I love Kathy and Terry to death, but they had me seated at the reception next to a couple about my age who have young  children. Missy wanted to tell me her whole life story since the last time I saw her 25 years ago. The part that scarred me was when she told me she has a 12-year old son, ... and he is underdeveloped compared to others his age. No trauma, yet, right? She went on to tell her son's friend has been sexually active since he was 10, and she is pretty sure he own son can't even get a hard on. 

Ears bleeding. Ears bleeding. Ears bleeding. Ears bleeding.

The next wedding I get invited to, I am going to send an AMAZING present and pretend to have the plague.