Welcome to my New Home!

I have moved back to my birthplace - a town of about 1800 in rural New Brunswick, Canada.

I have been gone for 20 years working in various cities, but not a lot has changed around here. People still leave their keys in their cars and their front doors unlocked...people still walk into your house without knocking and help themselves to a cup of coffee....and neighbors are both nosey AND some of the most helpful and wholesome folks you will ever find!

I am not sure if I will fit in here. I am used to "breakfast, lunch and dinner", not "breakfast, dinner and supper" which leads to all kinds of confusion when my friends show up at noon for a meal I was making at 6pm. I am also used to wearing $100 Lululemon yoga pants not $15 WalMart specials. (Not that there is anything wrong with WalMart!).

I have a convertible, which is completely inappropriate for a town that has snow 6 months of the year. I loved it when the old-timers would say, half-smiling, "So, you gonna be driving that car this winter?" like I might have just fell off the turnip truck the night before. I'd make my big blue eyes as big as I could as I would sweetly reply "Do you think I could....?"

Well, I WILL adjust, I WILL! One way or another, I want to be part of this town. I want to "be the me I was when I was child", not the one I created while living in the city.

So, let me share my experiences with you, as I adjust to this new, but old, environment.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Devil Made Me Do It - Don't Read if You Are Easily Disgusted

I REALLY need to stay away from Facebook. The things I read and see on there make me feel anxious. People scare me. They REALLY scare me.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know that I don't write about anything terribly controversial and I am not too, too judgmental (smile). Please forgive me in advance of reading this, as I am pretty sure the Devil might be involved. After all, I am not the master of my own choices, right? If I do something "bad", the Devil made me do it, right?

So, I read some links on Facebook about those horrible feminists who are trying to destroy the world by "free bleeding". That means those horrible feminists will walk around with their "monthly visitor" unconfined in their underpants. I get the impression from the articles I read, that these horrible feminists will wander about the world with their monthly visitors going wherever unconfined monthly visitors want to go.....due to gravity, I think it might be downwards.

In grade 9 gym class, my monthly visitor got away from me, and gravity caused it to not only ruin my gym pants, but resulted in a level of embarrassment that only another 14-year old in that situation can relate to. I also had to go home and explain to my Mum that I needed new gym pants, as my monthly visitor ran rampant and ruined mine. New gym pants at the time we about $12....now, if I were to by Lululemon ones, they would run about $100. But of course, now that I live in P-A, I buy the ones at the New Denmark Auction house, for $3.

So, let's say these horrible feminists let their monthly visitor have the run of the place. During their monthly stay (and average of 5 days), the average horrible feminist would probably go through 15 pairs of underpants, at least 5 regular pair of pants or skirts, and maybe even a pair of shoes. So, these horrible feminists better make a reasonable salary, or else they will go broke after the first month. I guess they could save some money by going commando.

So, although these horrible feminists have come up with this idea of "free bleeding", what is particularly of interest to me is the comments on Facebook from the people who are reading these articles.

"The Devil is whispering in their ears".
"AIDS is transmitted by bodily fluids. Won't we get Aids?"
"I hope I don't sit in "it" in a chair".
"They are just trying to defy men...because men created feminine hygiene products". 

You want to know what *I* am worried about and what disgusts me?

I am absolutely disgusted by hoarking. I hope that is the right word. I have never written it, and saying it aloud almost makes me gag. It is when someone chooses to expel their mucus, but not into a tissue.

This is a bodily fluid. ("AIDS is transmitted by bodily fluids. Won't we get Aids?")
This is in unexpected places ("I hope I don't sit in "it" in a chair". Or walk in it, in this case)
Tissues could be used to capture the hoark instead of it flying onto the ground willy-nilly via gravity. ("They are just trying to defy men...because men created tissues".)

You never know, maybe I am a secret feminist who practices free bleeding. And maybe I hoark. Actually, both are just never gonna happen.

Given I live in rural New Brunswick, the probability of me running into a woman who practices free bleeding is near 0%. Me running into a person practicing hoarking is a guaranteed 100%. Perhaps we all ought to freak about that and write about it on Facebook.

Do you know why I have written this? The Devil is whispering in my ear. I just wish he would take over the tpying part ...... he clocks in at about 50wpm.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Go Ahead, Make My Day

One of my favorite lines in a movie is when Clint squints his eyes as only Clint can do, and says "Go ahead, make my day". What a threat. And you know, deep inside your gut, that Clint will do just about anything, including shooting the bad guy dead. And Clint would have absolutely no regrets. In fact, he just might enjoy it.

As with most people, I have been in many situations where I have been (or felt), threatened, either openly or subtlety.

It all started for me when I used to go to my Grammie's house when I was little. My Mum made it quite clear the expected behaviour at Grammie's: do not ASK for anything, and do not take anything. Generally speaking, those are good rules to follow when visiting someone's home. However, like all little kids, listening to the rules and following the rules, somehow didn't quite connect.

I would sit at Grammie's and think...I want to ASK to go to the bathroom. But I'm not supposed to ASK for anything. But if I don't ASK to go to the bathroom, then I might pee my pants. Which would make Mum more upset, me ASKING to go to the bathroom, or me peeing my pants? I decided I had best not take any chances, so I did NOT ASK to go pee. I never set foot in Grammie's bathroom, EVER! I now have a bladder of steel, by the way. Do you know WHY I never asked to go to the bathroom? Because somehow, my Mum was like Clint: she could make a threat you just knew she would carry out if you did the wrong thing. There was no way I was gonna make my Mum's day!

My little brother Anthony and I really liked jumping on my parents' bed when we were little. We couldn't jump on our own beds, as they were bunk beds. That would mean you jump and either bonk your head on the top bunk or on the ceiling.

So, Mum and Dad's bed was the bed of choice for jumping. Dad was pretty particular about his bedtime routine. 10pm = bedtime. Anyone or anything getting in the way of bedtime was to be identified and destroyed. So picture Anthony and I jumping on Dad's bed at 10pm. Dad said "stop jumping on the bed". We did not stop jumping on the bed. Dad said nothing else. He merely unbuckled his belt. Now, a man unbuckles his belt when he takes off his pants. However, Anthony and I perceived this to be a threat. HALT! Then, RUN! Would have Dad hit us with his belt? Highly unlikely. However, Dad was Clint, before I knew who Clint was.

Skip ahead until I was about 20, and I somehow ended up in an unfortunate situation where a young lady threatened me with a cleaver, as she thought I had the hots for her boyfriend. When someone shows up at the door with a cleaver, the next words out of your mouth better be the right ones. Apparently I did all right, as she did not cleaver me to death. She didn't even chop off a pinky. But I'll tell you, THAT threat was worth losing sleep over!

As I grew older and matured, I realized there are very few threats worth anything more than a raised eyebrow, or maybe just a yawn.

Mum made a veiled threat to comply OR ELSE.....

Dad made a veiled threat to get the heck off the bed OR ELSE.....

Missy with the cleaver made a threat to get away from her man OR ELSE....

Besides Mums and Dads trying to keep their rampant children from destroying the world, most people who make threats are actually feeling powerless and fearful, or are trying to control a situation that just isn't going their way.

Just as an FYI, when push comes to shove, expect this blue-eyed blondie to crinkle her eyes like Clint, and utter quietly,

"Go ahead, make my day."

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy, Happy, Happy

I like to summarize stuff. 

When people tell me long-winded stories, I like to summarize at the end of their x-minute-long diatribes by saying something wise like..."...so, you are unhappy, hunh?....", to which the typical response is another x-minute-long diatribe. I use the term "diatribe" because most people like to complain about things to me. It is a rare (actually, non-existent) occasion that someone comes in to my office, or in to my home, to expound on their great happiness. 

I think people are either very unhappy, or just like to complain. Or some combination of the two.

I, however, an an optimist. Even during the most dismal, trying life events, I try to look a the bright side. Not others....

The five things that people are MOST LIKELY TO BE UNHAPPY ABOUT, are their:
1) weight
2) spouse 
3) job
4) money situation
5) children's behaviors

I have a unique way of viewing the world on these hot-topics. I decided long ago that I could look at my life situation as a bowl of pits, or a bowl of cherries with a few itty-bitty pits in it. Spit out the pits, or swallow them whole and you never even know they were there!

Here are my views on the top 5 hot topics.

My Weight - OK, so I am not skinny. Even when I exercised myself near to death and starved myself near to death, skinny was not achievable. What's funny is that I have nice friends and lovely family regardless of what the scale says. When my pants get tight, I eat less. When my pants are loose, I eat more. Besides that, you mention my weight to me, I am likely poke you in the eye and walk away.

My Spouse - My spouse (NEW! since June 22. 2013!) is amazing. He is not perfect. I don't care. 

My Job - my job is amazingly weird. I have no words to explain how I feel about it. It is soooo---ooooo weird, it has to be a good thing, right? 

My Money Situation - The last time I made a salary of this itty-bitty-ness was in 1997 when I was a senior software engineer and 28 years old. HOWEVER!....I now live in an amazing location, with an amazing man, surrounded by family and friends. If I had all the money in the world, it could not buy what I have.

Children's Behaviours - Fortunately or unfortunately, I do not have children. I have puppies. They barf on me, eat their own poop and random Christmas ornaments, and cry in their sleep while they are dreaming of bigger, badder dogs chasing them. No way I could complain about them as they are the some of the cutest most adorable beings I have ever seen. 

If you are self-aware enough to realize when you begin to complain about your life, stop, take a breath, and then call or email me, and I will list off for you all of your blessings, so you are reminded of your cherries, not just your pits.

Happy New Year, Ladies & Gents. 

Emphasis on HAPPY!